A messy bedroom is one of the most common middle school parenting challenges families face, especially for parents of boys who are learning independence and personal responsibility
Imagine, then, the shock many parents experience upon first visiting their son’s immaculate dorm room here at The Fessenden School. “How did you get him to do that?” is often the first question out of their mouths—once they recover their jaws from the floor.
No, it’s not impossible to get a middle schooler to clean his room. Here are a few tips from Fessenden school psychologist Dr. Kristin Harris.
1. Don’t punish; remove privileges.
Psychological literature has shown time and time again that punishment is rarely effective at getting children to change their behavior. Removing privileges, on the other hand, is.
When your son refuses to clean his room, Dr. Harris suggests revoking his video game privileges, his social media access, or his smartphone until expectations are met. Children may see these privileges as “rights,” explains Dr. Harris, but they’re not.
“I often tell parents they need to be a little more unyielding and not give in to the pressures that their middle school children will put on them for having these privileges, even when they’re not meeting expectations,” she says. This is one of the reasons Fessenden has been so successful in helping middle school boys learn accountability and personal responsibility.
“Fessenden has certain unyielding expectations and follows through on those expectations in the way that parents sometimes do not,” Dr. Harris says.
2. Start your son on chores early to build strong habits.
“A lot of parents try to start chores when their children are 11 or 12, but in truth, you can start chores as early as kindergarten, just small things like working with the child to pick up things in their room,” Dr. Harris advises.
Going from no expectations to sixty in the chore department can be somewhat of a shock to middle school boys.
“If you don’t start chores at an earlier age, you can’t expect your children to simply adopt it later when they’re at a middle school age,” Dr. Harris points out. “There’s so much turmoil in their lives by then, emotionally and socially. Those types of things tend to fall on the back burner.”
If you’re not sure which chores to start with, WebMD offers a helpful list of age-appropriate chores for children.
3. Break the task down into manageable ‘bite-size’ pieces.
If you missed the window to start your son on chores when he was younger, all is not lost for the middle school parenting years. You can’t start a middle schooler young, but you can start him small.
“Oftentimes, when children are not performing these activities, it’s because they’re feeling overwhelmed by the extent of them. For some children, they can become very disorganized when there are too many steps to follow at once,” Dr. Harris observes.
Instead of telling your son, “Clean your room,” try something more digestible like, “Clean up the floor” or even, “Pick up your books and put them back on the shelf.” Help your son build up to the whole room by taking on one piece at a time.
See How Fessenden Teaches Responsibility
Helping boys develop responsibility is a large part of their middle school years. At The Fessenden School, students are supported through clear expectations, structure, and guidance that help them grow academically, socially, and personally.
Learn more about Fessenden’s middle school program for boys by scheduling a campus visit or exploring our admissions resources.
